into My Fear Mirror:
needn’t describe the physical details; however, as I sit back and look
at what’s occurring before my eyes, I’m surprised at my emotional
reactions. I thought
I’d be really cool and completely OK while watching Jezebel openly
display her body and open her legs in front another man, but I’m not.
My logical mind says I should be.
After all, she was completely supportive of me earlier in the
mind also knows full well, that she’s not out hunting for another man
to have a relationship with.
I know she wants me to be here beside her as she plays.
I know that she’s not sharing body fluids, doing anything that
is in any way dangerous, or doing anything that could create a pregnancy
or attract a disease. I
know that she has strong feelings for me, even though she hasn’t yet
admitted to those feelings. I
know that she has been doing what she’s doing right now for about
thirteen years. And
yet, the little kid inside of me still feels really threatened.
become determined to sit with those feelings, to just be with them, and
to notice what happens. As
I sit quietly and take several deep breaths, I notice that logic and
reason are not at home here.
I’m in a space of my little-kid feelings.
So I bring the feelings home and tell myself, “Just for the
next few moments, forget what’s physically going on beside me and in
front of me.” I
close my eyes and ask myself,
“What am I really feeling?
What’s going on in here?”
I’m surprised at the answer. “Fear!
Fear of being abandoned.
Fear of being hurt. Fear
of loss. And just plain, mindless FEAR!”
mind reverts to a childhood memory.
I see and feel myself sitting on the back porch crying. Sparky, my pet dog had recently died, and I remember
not wanting another dog because I didn’t want to feel the pain of
another possible loss if and when the new dog died.
let the past go and return to my present moment. I open my eyes and look at my hands and my body.
I get up, go to the full-length mirror at the end of the
room, and look intently into the glass.
I see a full-grown, adult, human male looking back at me.
know that turning love away today out of fear that it may one day go
away is both dysfunctional and nonsense.
Of course I know that, but I’m still feeling what I’m
feeling. It then
occurs to me that by being fearful I’m attracting more to be fearful
about. That thought
sparks still another round of fear in me.
return to the couch and again sit beside Jezebel. She smiles, places her hand on my leg, and pulls me
toward her. I slide
closer. I find her
touch and her presence very reassuring.
I again close my eyes with a determination to just be with my
fear and observe it.
spite of feeling the couch moving and hearing the sounds I’m hearing,
I soon find myself playing mind games with myself.
Still with my eyes closed, I
imagine a pink elephant in front of me standing beside a large, pink
box. I take a mental
paint brush and paint the word F E A R on the side of
the box in wide lines of forest-green paint, then reach into my body,
grab all the fear I can find and dump it into the box.
that point, I remember hearing someone say F. E. A. R. stand for False
Evidence Appearing Real.
I say to myself, “That certainly seems to fit in this case,” so I imagine
the elephant stomping on the box and then flushing the squashed box down
his big, brown, pink-elephant toilet.
I then take an eraser and erase the toilet and put the elephant
in my shirt pocket along with the eraser.
about this point, I notice that I’m feeling silly and I’m not
fearful any more. I
open my eyes and watch what is going on around me.
Immediately, I feel a twinge of fear.
I decide to just let it be, so I keep my eyes open and focus my
attention on what’s happening near me.
Bill appears to be playing only on the physical level so the
interaction does not last very long.
He has soon spends his pennies and shortly thereafter excuses
himself to go to the shower.
soon as he leaves, Jezebel turns to me and says, “Are you OK?”
I respond by telling her about my imaginary pink elephant and
about my fear and how I reacted to it.
She’s completely supportive and understanding.
She also compliments me on the way I handled my emotional
reactions, and we agree to have an in-depth discussion of this topic
later. Again, she asks me how I’m feeling.
her support and understanding, I tell her I’m feeling good, and then I
ask about her. She says she’s just getting warmed up and would like
to partake of a real sexual sharing.
respond to her with, “A real sexual sharing?
What would you call what you just did?”
says, “That was the CLIC equivalent to, and pretty much along the
lines of, what some women would call a sympathy fuck.
Although his heart is in the right place and he’s reasonably
attractive, Bill just doesn’t know how to relate to women.
With the exception of the woman he came here with, he has a very
difficult time relating to women at all.
I feel sorry for him, and so, occasionally, I’ll help him
relieve his frustrations. It makes him feel good, brings him contentment, and it
costs only a few minutes of my time.”
sympathy fuck! What a novel idea.
Jazz, you really are a special lady.”
We both laugh as we get up and head for the shower.
For the next few minutes, I think about the compassion and
generosity it must take to do what she just did.
I wonder if I would be able to do likewise if such a situation
Bill is such a nerd, why is he invited to Christina’s CLI Circles?”
his other talents more than make up for his shortcomings.”
gentle, kind, protective, very caring, always helpful and completely
harmless. He also
works for Christina and Charlie. They look out for him and keep him on the right track,
and in turn, he’s a dependable and dedicated employee.
“Definitely. Do you recall hearing him on the drums earlier?”
he may lack social skills, but wait till you hear him at the piano.
He’s a master pianist."
he play professionally?”
his personality prevents him from doing much with his musical talent.”
really. It’s just a more obvious example of the way life is
for all of us. With
Bill, the difference is that his weak side is rather obvious, while, for
most of us, our weak sides are much more hidden.
How many people do you know of who are masters in one area and
klutzes in other areas?”
that you mention it, that’s quite common.”
I recall Karen Carpenter, a woman with the singing voice of an
angel, killing herself via anorexia."
continues, “Mastery and complete dysfunction commonly reside in the
same human being. Rare is the person whose life is balanced and wholesome
in all areas.”
Jazz, how about us? Where
are we bumbling fools?”
like to reserve that topic for another time and another place.”
so it shall be.”