A self-awareness story about life, love, romance, and the intimate love arts.


   The Yoni Dance Book Trilogy

The Ultimate "How to" Book
About All Those Things
Your Parents Never Taught You


Book Two

The Dream Catcher's Dream 

Chapter Three  

Unconscious Relationships 





Jazbell's Request for Assistance:  

Having decided to ask my long-time friend, Intendr for advice, I meet him in a nearby park that afternoon.   When I arrive, he is already there by the creek sitting cross-legged on one of the picnic tables in the shade of a large pine tree.  

He slips off the table as I approach and greets me in his normal, light and jovial manner.   He removes his hat, gives me a bow such as one would expect to see in King Arthur’s court, and says.   “Greetings, and a fine good day to you.”  

As he raises himself out of his bow, he looks directly into my eyes and says, “Miss Jazbell, your beauty is still a joyous sight to behold, yet, your usual, radiant smile seems dimmed to near extinction.   What can be of such grave concern, and how may I be of service?”   

Intendr, once again, I need your advice.”   

Yes, I got that much already.   Tell me what’s going on.”  

Recently, James and I decided to publicize the CLI Circles, so I agreed to find a writer for the project.   On the morning of the seventh day after that agreement was made, I met a writer who uses the pen name, Stoney L. Tonto.”  

Is he the right person for the job?”  

Yes, he is.”  

Well, Jazbell, seven days is pretty powerful manifesting.   You’re obviously getting quite skillful at applying the universal laws to your life.”  

I’m not so sure about that.”  He looks closely at me again and says,

 “Excuse me one moment please.”   He goes back to the picnic table, sets his hat on the table, opens a large leather bag and takes out a false beard, a turban, and a yarmulke.   He turns away, puts all three of them on with the  yarmulke on top of the turban, turns back to me and says, in a distinctly Indian accent,  “This is going to take at least two very wise men."   The accent turns to Yiddish and he say's "So, vat’s de problem?”  

As much as I try, I can’t keep from smiling.   Before I can speak, he says, “One smile.”  He holds out his hand to me.   “That will be ten cents please.”  

I laugh and lovingly slap his hand away.   “Come on," I say.   This is a serious problem,”     




He takes off the turban,  yarmulke, and beard and places them on the table.   “Sit,” he says, directing me to the bench and table   “What can be so serious a problem that it takes your beautiful smile away?” 

Stoney was supposed to be a business deal, a writer only.   He’s turning out to be far more than that.”  

In addition to a writer, what else have you manifested?”  

A handsome, kind, generous, wonderful man who’s now very much in love with me.”     

You call that a problem?   Most women would be delighted to have that as their problem.   There must be more.    "Is he gay"    


Is he already married?"   "No."    

"So if he's not the problem, then the problem is hiding somewhere inside of you."

Yes,.   That’s why I’m requesting your advice.”  

So, how do you feel about him?”  

Excited and scared as hell.”  

What are you afraid of?”  
On the day we first met, when he sat down across the table from me at a restaurant and looked directly into my eyes, I know instantly there was something special about him.   I started shaking inside.   I got scared.   I almost got up and left, but I didn’t dare walk away from an opportunity that may never come again, so I sat there and pretended he was just another guy.   Then when he said he was a writer, I knew I was in deep trouble.”  

You hold his arrival in the context of trouble?   Perhaps you really don’t want a personal, love relationship.”  

Oh, but I do, and that’s the problem.   I’m finding myself hooked on him, probably as much as he’s hooked on me.”   I go on to tell Intendr about Stoney, about his almost falling down in the street to get a closer look at me, about all the wonderful things that I’ve learned about him in the past four months. 

Intendr responds by saying,  “Does he know how you feel about him?” 

I don’t think so.   I’m good at hiding the truth from him.   The problem is that I’m very poor at hiding the truth from myself.   Up until last weekend, I was able to just run away.”  

Why would you want to hide the truth from yourself?   You and I have spent years together seeking the truth and now you want to hide from it?   There’s got to be more you haven’t told me yet.   What’s really going on?”  

I’m scared that I’ll get lost in him.   I know if I love him back, I could end up literally giving myself away to him, and I’m desperately afraid of losing myself.”  

OK.   That’s a more accurate statement.   Are you aware that you have some of the traditional masculine and feminine roles reversed."

I ask, "What do you mean?"   

"Let me share with you a basic difference in how man and women relate to the world.   Men are action oriented.   Their prime motivations are goal / career / mission oriented.   Relationships are secondary to mission and in many cases women are considered replaceable.   One of the missions of a man committed to his relationship is to please his woman by providing for her, and he looks for a woman who will acknowledge and appreciate his accomplishment and who will support his mission. 

    Women, by contrast, tend to focus first on love, intimacy and relationships.   Out of a safe place for her and her loved ones, she can then reach out into the world.   Her focus is on generating more joy, more love, and more abundance for those she cares about.  A woman is almost always the power and the inspiration behind a successful man.   She offers, love, attraction, vitality which a wise man will use to create far more that sexual gratification.

    Men solve problems by action, by doing, or by running away.   Women solve problems by being there in the space of love, by communication, by understanding.   Simply coming from the space of love resolves a great many problems, and love is the inspiration for solving many more. 

I ask, "How does that relate to me?"

"You're playing a masculine role with Stoney.  It's normally men who run away from commitment, and based on what you've already told me, he's not running away.  You are."

"Yes, you're right.  I have been."

"So take a deep breath, now, and without thinking about it, simply answer this question with the first words that come into your mind:   What is it that you choose for yourself?” 

I want, I mean I choose to have a long-lasting, loving, intimate, romantic, sensual/ sexual relationship with a man who is handsome, kind, generous, wonderful and very much in love with me.”   

Those are the same words you just used to describe Stoney.”  

I know.   That’s what scares me so.   I can’t accept restrictions on my freedom.   I can’t accept the limitations that so often seem to come with intimate relationships.   I desperately want him and at the same time, I desperately want to run away.   I have seen what has happened to several of my girlfriends.   They started out in a joyous, loving relationship with a man only to later end up married to someone they could hardly stand to be around.”  

So, Jezebel, let me see if I can briefly and succinctly restate your desire.   You choose to create and be in a joyous long lasting, love-filled sensual/sexual relationship with a handsome, kind, generous, wonderful man who is also in love with you.   You choose to create and be in a relationship that leaves you completely free to be and to express yourself exactly as who you are and also leaves you free to recreate and transform yourself into anyone you may later choose to become.  

Yes, that’s it.”  

Good!   Now that we have defined your goal, our next task is to figure out how to manifest and maintain a relationship of this quality and then to see if you can do so with Stoney.   One of the obvious steps will be to shift your involvement with Stoney from the context of deep trouble, as you just called it, to a context of love, freedom and joy.”  

I’m not exactly clear-headed at the moment, so please help me figure out how to do that?” 




Why Existing Marriage Contracts Don’t Work:

OK.   To figure out what will bring you lasting joy, let’s start by looking first at what most humans currently do that does not bring lasting joy.”  

To what are you referring?”  

I’m referring to the form of male/female interrelating called marriage.”  

Is there something wrong with marriage?”  

It’s not a question of right or wrong.   The question is: 
‘As it is currently constructed, can the traditional marriage relationship bring you what you say you intend to have — a long-lasting, joyous, loving relationship?’  

Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce.   Most of those who remain married are not very joyous in their marriage.   That doesn’t say much for the capacity of the current marriage system to create long-lasting joyous relationships.”  

So why do you want to look at what isn’t working?”  

The reason for looking at what isn’t working is that looking at the negative pole of anything automatically brings our attention to the opposite pole.   By looking at what doesn’t work, we get a clearer picture of what will work.   Our intention here is not to focus on the negative, but rather, to become aware of it and use it as a stepping stone to our intended goal.”  

So what about marriage isn’t working?”  

Marriage, as currently constructed, is a veiled attempt to control the other person’s behavior.   At the start, when love in new and before reality sets in, this tends to work OK.   However, over time, we change; we grow to realize that our partner is not who or what we thought they were; neither is he or she going to transform to match the illusion that we thought they were.  

We also find ourselves being pressed into someone else’s vision of ourselves, which limits us in our expressions of who we really are.   So, in a great many cases, the bright, happy, marriage-day promises, one day, become old and turn into obligations. Ch3-Ref-1   When you transform spontaneous, in-the-moment love into promises and guarantees of future behavior, what have you got?”   

Without waiting for me to respond, he answers his own question.   “Intangible prison walls,” he says.   “In that setting, each person becomes the other’s property, both sexually and otherwise.   If either steps outside the prison walls, the other can and often does inflict pain and suffering by way of court action and/or in some equally unpleasant manner. Ch-3-Ref-2    Do you want a relationship based on the joy of being together or one based on the fear of what will happen if either decides he/she can no longer live in the confines of the original promises?”  Ch-3-Ref-3     

Are you suggesting that people don’t get married?”

No, not at all."

Then what are you suggesting?”

I’m suggesting that couples take responsibility for their relationship by consciously and intentionally creating agreements between themselves regarding how they will relate to each other in the future.   Because conflict resolution is probably the biggest challenge in any relationship, I’m suggesting that area, in particular, be addressed at the start of any committed relationship.”

You mean like creating a personalized pre-nuptial agreement?”


That’s already been tried, and past, pre-nuptial agreements haven’t kept couples together.”

You’re mixing oranges and apples.   The type of pre-nuptial agreements I’m suggesting is not designed to keep people together.   They’re designed as guides for conflict resolution.”

Isn’t that what a marriage license already does?”

Only if you think conflict resolution means who will get the kids, the house and the car upon divorce.   Ch-3-Ref-4   A marriage license says nothing about the small, day-to-day conflicts.   If those can be resolved, there will be far fewer major conflicts.   So what I’m suggesting is a way of relating that focuses on harmony under all circumstances, even in the middle of disagreements.”

That doesn’t make sense.”

Yes, it does, because in the midst of conflict, recreating harmony becomes a primary focus of those who choose to stay together.   In the traditional pre-nuptial agreements the focus is on fighting and on who will win what in the fight.   I’m suggesting an agreement that focuses on how to maintain and, when necessary, how to recreate harmony.

    Most people have no idea what they’re getting into when they start a relationship, and fewer still have any idea what they’re committing themselves to when they go to the government and sign the government’s marriage contract.”

It sounds like you’re promoting chaos and anarchy.”

Some would label that same idea as freedom and order.   Presently, people have only three choices.   If humanity is to maintain any semblance of a free society, much more than that is needed.”

What are those choices?”

No agreement at all,  or the government’s one-size-fits-all agreement, or create their own agreement.   What’s really appropriate is to have available several, non-government, fill-in-he-blanks-type, written contracts where the couple choose for themselves how they will handle certain situations, if and when they arise.“

This sounds complicated.”

And I suppose you think signing the government’s marriage contract is simple?   Most people have no idea what they are agreeing to.   There’s an entire, invisible book that comes home with you if you sign that contract.   It’s called ‘Marriage and Family Law’ and, by signing a marriage license, you bind yourself to that book and to courts, lawyers, and if necessary, men with guns to force your compliance with the terms of that contract.   Do you think that’s simple?”

I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

Very few people give this much thought, so you’ve got lots of company.   This isn’t the time or place to go into any more details; however, I’ll give you an example of where a conscious, pre-nuptial choice can make a big difference.

OK, where?”

By making an agreement to use mediation to resolve conflicts that the people can’t resolve on their own.   Mediation can resolve disagreements much more quickly, far more easily, a good deal cheaper, and with much less trauma than courts and lawyers. Ch-3-Ref-5   And, in the rare cases where mediation fails, binding arbitration can be used to resolve the conflict. 3-6   Courts and lawyers are still available, but are relegated to the position of a last resort solution if one party or the other refuses to create resolution of a major conflict.”

OK, so how does all that relate to me?   I came looking for advice and not a big lecture on what’s wrong with marriage.”

End of Chapter Three ---  Unconscious Relationships







Endnote # 1


For a much more detailed discussion of marriage, the reader is referred to "Conversations with God,"  Book Three, Chapter 13. (specifically, note pages 221-223)   

"Conversations with God," by Neal Donald Walsh, Hampton Roads Publishing Co. Inc., Charlottesville, VA., 1998.  




Endnote # 2  

The Government’s Marriage Contract


If you choose to be legally married, you must go to the government and ask permission.   The government then sells you a pre-nuptial contract called a marriage license.   If you have never thought of a marriage license as a pre-nuptial agreement, welcome to the club.   Very few people have.   And, when you go to the government for your pre-nuptial agreement, guess who’s pre-nuptial agreement you get.   Right — the government’s.  

When you sign and later register that contract with the state, you agree to bind yourself to a vast set of complicated, antiquated, inflexible, and restrictive government rules  — a set of  rules  that you have never even read — a set of  rules that most people are not even aware of.   Yes, pre-nuptial agreements are cold and sterile, the very antithesis of romance,  and yes, that’s what your marriage license is.  

Because government prenuptial agreements are fixed and very inflexible, they dictate behavior rather than offering choices.   The personal desires and needs of the people involved are all but irrelevant.   There is only one set of laws for everyone.   It is actually about as ridiculous as trying to sell everyone the same size shoes.   One law simply does not fit every situation.  

There are hundreds of pages of laws, rules, and regulations attached to your marriage license,  all written in legalese.   Who do you suppose wrote those laws?   Lawyers!   And who’s interest was uppermost in their minds?   Their own.   So if you want to terminate your marriage contract who must you call on?   Judges and lawyers.   And what profession do you think judges come from?   Right again, they’re all lawyers, and, very often, judges are old lawyers.  

So who do you suppose is in ultimate control of your intimate, personal relationship?   Yes, I know you’d like to think you are.   That’s a nice fantasy.   When you got legally married you signed a contract that is enforceable by violence or threat of violence and yet, at the time of signing that agreement, you had no idea what was in that contract.   And, unless you are a rare human being, you still don’t.   If you want to terminate your contract,  you and your partner are each expected to hire a lawyer, and then go the government’s lawyer wearing a black robe and ask his permission to separate.   You must abide by the government’s contract, interpreted and enforced by the government’s lawyers.   You must accept, under threat of violence, whatever solution that the government’s lawyer dictates to you.   He might even deny the divorce.   Does that sound like you are in control?  

You ask, what’s all this talk about violence or threat of violence?   The answer is quite simple.   To terminate you government written and controlled marriage contract, you must go to the government.   Whether you like it or not, the government is in control, and the government can and will, if necessary, use violence or threat of violence against you to force their will on you regarding their marriage contract.  

Governments claim exclusive right to use violence and threat of violence to force people to change their behavior — a practice that can’t be done by you or by me, or by a corporation we may choose to set up.   Governments regularly force people to do things that they otherwise would not do,  and force people to not do things that they otherwise would do.   If you or I used violence in that way, we would be called criminals, and yet, violence or threat of violence is standard operating procedures for all governments.  

Because no single way is suitable for everyone and because the essence of freedom is in free-will choice, new options and new choices are in order.   A new set of domestic partnership agreements needs to be created;  a set of agreements that offer flexibility, choices, options, and alternatives to the status quo.   *** See the example below

Unfortunately, the traditional way the status-quo-establishment deals with something that is not working is to apply more of the same or to do the same thing harder.   And as you probably already know, continually repeating the same behavior while expecting a different result is also one of the definitions of insanity.  

The existing marriage structures obviously are not working because  dysfunction-to-the-point-of-dissolution is a fact of life in fifty percent of all marriages.   That’s just too big of a problem to simply ignore, so if you have any brilliant alternatives, or even some not-so-brilliant alternatives, please contact us and share your ways with us.    

***  For example, as an interim step between where we are as a society today and the ultimate goal in a truly free society, one viable alternative might be to have available on the internet a series of professionally-prepared, pre-written, fill-in-the-blank-type, domestic-partnership agreements that couples could transform into their own personal pre-nuptial agreement.  

This is not to simply make a new contract for the government to enforce.   Rather it is a way for couples to understand each other and to know ahead of time what is expected of them and what to expect from one's partner.   The suggestion here is for people to consciously enter into their agreements rather than doing so by default as is presently the case in most marriages.

Most differences/conflicts could be resolved via mediation and, when necessary, by binding arbitration.  

No Lawyers!

Endnote 2



Endnote 3  

Marriage as Currently Constructed


Marriage, as currently constructed, is an unwitting attempt to control the future.   We make promises about a future that we have no way of controlling or predicting and then later, find ourselves stuck in an obsolete mode of behavior because of promises made years ago that no longer represent who we are and that do not represent what we presently choose.  

When we are stuck with something that no longer serves us, we lose our freedom.   We lose our ability to be who we are in the moment.   We lose our ability to re-create ourselves to fit our new image of who we choose to be.

Marriage as currently constructed also puts severe limits on our behavior by saying if you love me, you cannot also love another.   This is just one more fantasy because you already do love others.   For example, you love your parents, your siblings and your children.   This in no way limits your love for your lover.   Oh, but you say,  I am not sexual with parents, siblings or children.   This brings up the distinction between love and sex.   They are obviously two different things.   They go nicely together; however,  they are still two distinctly different things.  

Like all other aspects of life, sexual choices and sexual actions have consequences.   Who is to say what is sexually right or wrong for another.   The major problem in the sexual area is not the sex itself.   Rather, it is all the fears, taboos, guilts, and restrictions that we as humans have set up in a hopeless attempt to inhibit and restrict our partners sexual behavior. *** See the Marianne Williamsonnote below in this section  

These restrictions usually do not stop the desire for the forbidden behavior.   Often, they don’t stop the behavior either, rather, they creates a bed of lies, hiding and deceptions or where they do restrict behavior, they often create an atmosphere of compliant misery.   This all stems from unrealistic beliefs and expectations regarding the nature of human sexual behavior.

Conscious choices when discussed openly and mutually agreed upon prior to any sexual activity go a long way in reducing problems in this area.   With regard to sexual relating, the principles for the CLI Circles are a good starting point to create from.

In marriage, there is also the tendency of making the loved one special above all others, which creates two problems.   First, it puts him/her in a position different from others with greater (and often fantasized) expectations of who he/she is expected to be.   No one can live up to someone else’s fantasy, and, eventually, the reality of who he/she is replaces the fantasy.  

When reality arrives, many people can’t handle it and run away into another fantasy with another person.   The second problem is that making one person special puts everyone else in a lowers status which, in the greater reality of yourself as a Divine Soul, is a false view, for everyone is an equal part of God.  

***  These restrictions are very well summed up in the words of Marianne Williamson in her book,  “Enchanted Love: The Mystical Powers of Intimate Relationships,   (Simon & Schuster, 1999).

..our society has invested itself in the prison model of married bliss, which is basically a model of married guilt.   You will be home tonight, you will park your body here and here only, you will pour all your affections on me, you will deny yourself experiences that take you on a journey outside the box we live in, and you will pretend that this is what you really want.   Most significantly, you will feel guilty if you find yourself feeling otherwise.   And you will agree that I have every right to be outraged if I find you not toeing the line.  

Endnote 3



Endnote #4  

Resolving Disputes Through Mediation


What Is Mediation?  
Mediation is process for settling differences -- a process for finding mutually agreeable resolutions that are just, fair, equitable and in the best interest of all concerned.   Mediation is a voluntary and confidential procedure in which an impartial mediator assists people in creating solutions to their inter-personal conflicts.   In order not to be confused with meditation or medication, the process is often referred to as “Dispute Resolution”.  

Where is mediation applicable?  
Mediation works with almost every type of dispute and conflict — everything from minor misunderstandings to major confrontations.   Mediation is very useful in resolving the conflicts, that arise where money and other valuables are involved, and is particularly useful in resolving the conflicts that are highly emotional, such as those which occur in intimate relationships.

How does it work?
The mediator assists the parties in finding common meeting grounds.   He/she shifts the focus of power and energy from the opponent onto finding mutually agreeable solutions.   He/she shifts the focus of attention from defeating the opponent onto ending the conflict.   Step by step, he/she guides the participants along their journey toward mutual resolution.    The mediator assists the parties to  expose potential resolutions and possible courses of action including the choice not to settle their differences.  

Why Choose Mediation?
Mediation resolves disputes and inter-personal conflicts rapidly, effectively and inexpensively.   Mediation avoids lawyers, courts, long delays and expensive legal fees.   Mediation resolves over ninety percent of the conflicts to which it is applied.   Resolution often occurs within two to three hours.   As a result, the cost of mediation is only a fraction of the cost of litigation.

Mediation focuses on feelings -- on needs -- on interests -- on why each person wants what he/she wants.    Mediation is directed to resolution — to making everyone right -- to making everyone a winner.   In mediation, both sides have a legitimate point of view.

Basic Elements of a Resolution:
In order for mediation to work, all parties must want a resolution more that they want to continue the conflict, the true issues need to be brought to the surface and addressed, and a mutually-agreeable resolution needs to be found that is fair, honest, just, wise and right for all concerned in the long run.   Although this may sound like a tall order, it often comes about rather quickly and in surprising ways.   The  resolution is often a compromise that does not necessarily following the will of either party.   Participants are encouraged to: 

1) Stop the fight.   Instead, become a warrior and defeat the conflict.   The best way you can win is to figure out how to make the other side a winner.   He/she is not the problem.   The conflict is the problem.   Join with your so-called opponent and hold the intention of defeating the conflict.

2)  Stop the slight.   Stop judging or condemning the other person.   Instead, honor the other person as a fellow Soul-Being with whom you are here to learn a lesson. 

3)   Stop the struggle to hold your position.   You can spend you energy fighting content (i.e. the other person’s position) or you can create your own context -- a context of resolution.  

Binding Arbitration:  
In situation where mediation doesn't work, there is still another way to avoid courts and lawyers.   It's called binding arbitration.   In binding arbitration, both parties agree to bring in a neutral third party who has no vested interest in the outcome and who will look for a resolution that is honest, just, fair and equitable, a resolution that is not necessarily in the interest of either party.

The people on both sides agree to have a third party make the final decisions which resolve the disagreement, and both sides agree to abide by the arbitrator’s decisions, regardless to what those decisions are.  Once arbitration is agreed upon as the means of resolving the conflict, each side express his/her interests,  needs, requirements, and his/her suggested resolution to the arbitrator, and then the arbitrator makes the resolving decisions.

Is mediation for you?
The next time you are in a dispute, stop and ask yourself,   “What vested interest do I have in my particular position, point of view, or  belief system?”   With regard to resolution, have a clear goal in mind and then completely let go of any attachment to the results.   If you and the other party to the conflict can’t resolve it yourselves, consider mediation.   Even if the other party refuses to mediate, call a mediator anyway.   Some of them, such as this author,  will act as your coach and guide you in how in resolving your end of the conflict.

If mediation is tough enough to resolve the Teamster’s Union disputes, it’s tough enough to resolve your personal disputes.   If  mediation is powerful enough to resolve international disputes, it’s powerful enough to resolve your personal disputes.   The choice is yours, at least until you give it away by choosing litigation.  The choice is yours and it remains yours when you choose mediation.

Endnote 4



Endnote #5 

Where Mediation Doesn't Work


In situations where mediation doesn't work, there is still another way to avoid courts and lawyers.   It's called binding arbitration.   In binding arbitration, both parties agree to bring in a neutral third party who has no vested interest in the outcome and who will look for a resolution that is honest, just, fair and equitable, a resolution that is not necessarily in the interest of either party.

The people on both sides agree to have a third party make the final decisions which resolve the disagreement, and both sides agree to abide by the arbitrator’s decisions, regardless to what those decisions are.  Once arbitration is agreed upon as the means of resolving the conflict, each side express his/her interests,  needs, requirements, and his/her suggested resolution to the arbitrator, and then the arbitrator makes the resolving decisions.

Endnote 5





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Creating Lloving Relationships

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Endnote 3