A self-awareness story about life, love, romance, and the intimate love arts.

   The Yoni Dance Book Trilogy

The Ultimate "How to" Book
About All Those Things
Your Parents Never Taught You

 

Book Two

Relationships or Fantasy  Trips 

Chapter Two

Jazbell's Dilemma  

 

 

 

    A new Storyteller

 

So far, what you’ve been hearing, or more accurately, what you’ve been reading, has been presented from my masculine point of view — that Stoney Tonto, staff reporter and writer for The Life Changer Magazine.   Well, that’s about to change.  

The portion of the story you will read next, I was not privy to until much later.   It is, however, appropriate for you to hear it now, so I’ll temporarily turn the telling of this tale over to Jezebel and let her share her dilemma with you directly.  

 

 

The Story from Jazbell’s Perspective

 

Because of the effect Stoney’s presence has on me, I know there’s something very special between us.   Although I’ve known that since the first day we met, I’ve spent the last four months in complete denial.   I was reasonably OK with myself and with my denial until the weekend at James’ cabin.   Spending an entire Sunday being vulnerable and intimate with him has blown my denial totally out of the water.  

Sunday, just before we left for home, he informed me he’d figured out that we, that is James and I, wanted him to write a book describing CLI Circle sharing.   I was completely thrown off guard when he asked if he was more than a business deal to me.   He was so jazzed about writing the book he didn’t sense the turmoil that suddenly hit me.   Neither was he aware that on the drive back to town, I was at war with myself.   

Obviously, my days of denial are numbered because part of me wants to throw myself at him, and the other part of me wants to run to the other side of the world.   His question forced me to look at reality and accept the fact that I’ll soon have to take some action.  

By the morning after our day at the cabin, I know I have only two choices, either share the truth with him or get him out of my life.   There seems to be no middle ground.  

I decide to take some time away from Stoney — some time to think — some time to resolve my quandary — some time to decide what to do.   My work with the Of-Course Foundation provides me with the perfect opportunity.   There’s a potential project in Sweden that requires my assessment.   I’ve been putting that trip off for the past two months, and I think this will be the perfect opportunity for me to get away.

I don’t even call Stoney to let him know what I’m doing because I’m afraid that if I talk to him, I’ll completely lose myself and say something really stupid or blurt out something I’ll later regret, so I write him a note.   As soon as I read it, I tear it up and write another one.   I tear that one up also.   On Tuesday morning, two days after my weekend with Stoney, I’m on a plane heading for New York, with connections to Stockholm, by way of London.   On the cross-country flight, I manage to write a third note, which I mail from the airport in New York.  

By the time I arrive at my final destination, jet lag and missing Stoney have taken their toll on me, and I’m about as functional as a ship with a hole in its hull.   I do, however, manage to focus on my reason for being there.   I find the project quite fascinating and its creator to be a very talented engineer.   Unfortunately, I also find that my personal life is interfering with my ability to be professional.   By Thursday evening, I realize that running half way around the world is not the answer to my dilemma.  

I decide to complete my business as quickly as possible and then fly back to Denver to visit with my life-long friend, Sarah.   I call her to see if she is available and, as usual, receive an openhearted welcome.   I next make flight arrangements for Sunday morning and then call Sarah back.   She offers to pick me up at the airport.

By Sunday morning I’m feeling much better, and that evening, when I finally arrive at the Denver International Airport, Sarah is already there waiting for me.   She has her two kids in tow and greets me with a hug like I haven’t had in way too long.   We are no sooner in her car heading for her home when she says, “OK, who is he, and what’s going on?”

I look at her in amazement.   I’ve told her nothing about Stoney or my dilemma.   “Am I that transparent?”  I ask   

"Jazz,” she says, “I’ve known you since we were both five years old, and, in all those years, there’s only one thing that I’ve ever seen that could put you in the condition you’re in right now, and that’s man trouble.”

I have to laugh because I know she’s right.   I share with her brief highlights of my past four months.   Her immediate response is to say, “Here’s my recommendation for the evening, first we get some food into your belly, then you take a long hot bath; after which I’ll give you a massage, and then you’re off to bed for the night.   When you wake up in the morning, we’ll have breakfast and then a long woman to woman talk.”

I accept her offer and the conversation soon shifts to her children and to my work.   The drive to her home is short, so I soon find myself completely submitting to her nurturing care.   The food, the warm bath, the massage work their magic.   I sleep deeply and wake up refreshed. 

When I arrive in the kitchen, the morning sun has been shining brightly through the window for at least three hours.   Sarah is there and she has breakfast almost ready.   “Oh good, you’re up,” she says.   “I was about to come and roust you out.”   We sit, and, in between minor interruptions with the children, she starts asking me general questions like, “Did you sleep well?   How are you feeling?”   We share breakfast and talk about rather mundane things for a while.   Our being with each other again, our sharing breakfast, and our general conversation all serve to re-confirm our almost life-long connection with each other. 

After breakfast, and with the children playing safely in the back yard, she says, “OK, out with it, please.   I want to know all the details about Stoney, and I want to know what’s going on inside of you.”  

I proceed to tell her in considerable detail about Stoney, about how kind and wonderful he is, and about how he has fallen in love with me and is doing his best to hide it.   I tell her about our Sunday together at James’ cabin, about him writing the CLI Circle book, and about how my feelings for him have turned my neatly planned life into chaos.

Sarah listens with unwavering focus, asks several pertinent questions, and then offers to give me an assessment.   Since that’s one of the reasons I came here, I take a deep breath and say, “By all means, assess away!”

"Jazz, let’s start by taking stock of your life.   You’re healthy.   You love your career.   It brings you large financial and material rewards.   You have a beautiful and comfortable home.   You have friends like me all over the place who will welcome you at any time.”

"Yes, Sarah, I do have lots of friends but only one like you.” 

Sarah says, "Thanks for the vote of confidence," and then continues, “You’re beautiful.  You’re very sexy.   You’ve spent more time in orgasm than any other women I’ve ever known.”

"Yeah, I guess I’ve had a few orgasms in my day.”

“In your day!   Come off it, Jazz.   In your day, it’s not even noon yet, and, if orgasms were an Olympic event, you’d certainly qualify as a world-class athlete.   And now on top of all that, you’ve manifested a handsome, intelligent, talented, kind man who is madly in love with you.   What more could you possibly want?”

“Peace of mind,” I say.   “I’m scared of losing myself if I surrender to my love for Stoney.”

Sarah continues,  “Peace of mind is an inside job.   You know that.   You won’t find it by running half way around the world.”

“I know.   I just tried that.  

"And you won’t find it in the world of money and material goods either.   Look at all those rich, dumb bastards out there sitting in the midst of all their money and material wealth and living miserable lives.   You, my friend, have your life in balance, and, in that respect, you’re one of the wealthiest women on the planet.”

"Yes, I suppose, in that sense, you could say I am.”

"Jazz, you’ve always asked me to tell you straight what’s on my mind.”

"Yeah, that’s true.”

"Well, here it is.   If you run away now, you’ll regret it, and for the rest of your life, and you’ll always be wondering what you’ve thrown away.   You have to at least give Stoney a shot.   You can always run away later if you like, but at least look at the possibilities more closely before you do.”

"So first, quit feeling sorry for yourself.   Second, get your butt back home.   Third, go tell Stoney what you’ve just told me and see if he’s willing to accept you as you are.   Fourth, openly test your relationship with him to see if you’re compatible, and last but not least, call me at least twice a week until you get this resolved.   And one other thing, pick up the phone that’s sitting there beside you and call him right now."  

Wow,” I say, “you don’t beat around the bush, do you.”  

"Yes, Jazz, you’ve been a good role model.   I‘ve learned a lot about life being your friend.”

I smile and say, “Sarah, I don’t know why I needed you to tell me all that.   I already knew what to do.” 

"Cause you’re human just like the rest of us.   I don’t know how many times I’ve known what was the right thing for me to do, and I’ve still gone ahead and done something else, anyway.”

"OK, I’ll make arrangements to fly home tomorrow.   In the mean time, I’d like to know what’s going on in your life.”

Sarah points to the phone and says, “Don’t talk to me until you’ve made that phone call.”

I say, “My, you’re on a roll today.”   Sarah smiles, but otherwise ignores me.   She walks out into the yard to check on her children.

 

 

 

I sit quietly for a moment wondering what to say.   I look at the phone, but don’t pick it up.   Then I think of one of Sarah’s favorite phrases, “Oh well, what the hell.”   I say it again to myself, then just pick up the phone and dial Stoney’s number.   Fortunately, he’s not at home and I get his answering machine.   I leave the following message:

“Stoney, this is Jazz.  I’m sorry I ran off without calling you first.   I’ve been in Sweden on a Foundation project, and I’m now in Denver with Sarah.   I’ll be home tomorrow and will call you again when I arrive.   Let’s plan on getting together to talk about our Sunday experience, about the book, and about. . . ”   I pause briefly and then add, “whatever else you want to talk about.”

I hang up the phone, sit quietly for a few minutes, and think about what Sarah said.   She’s right.   I’ve got to give my relationship with Stoney a chance, but how to actually do that is still an unanswered question.   I decide a good place to start would be to ask Sarah what she thinks and then ask her about her life with her husband, Randy.   I walk out into the yard, and soon we are in another woman to woman conversation.

I’ll briefly share some highlights of our conversation with you — highlights that relate to our story, that is.   To begin with, Sarah has been married to a local college music professor for six years.   She was reluctant to have children too soon, but when her first pregnancy came unexpectedly, she surprised herself in how much she enjoyed the entire process.   She now has two kids and loves being a mother.   She teaches piano primarily for her husband’s students and for local high school students.  

I ask, “How do you deal with all the commitments, a husband, two kids, and all that comes with them?” 

She says, “Except for the timing of my first pregnancy, all the major changes in my life have been the result of conscious choices.   Over all, life is very good to me.   There’s hardly anything I would change, and the things I would change are really not that important.” 

I ask, “What about Randy?   Is he happy?   Are you sure he’s not off making it with one of his students?   He’s in an environment that gives him plenty of opportunities, you know.” 

Sarah just laughs and says, “Jazz, that would be an incredibly stupid thing for him to do considering how little he would have to gain by doing so and how much such a fling could cost him.”

Why?” I ask.   “Do you have something that other married couples don’t have?” 

We both have a different from normal view of a monogamous sexual relationship, and I attribute that to the CLI Circle sharing in which we began our sexual intimacy.   Shortly after I met Randy, I introduced him to a CLI Circle in which I’d been a participant for about a year.   He found the openness refreshing, and we both enjoyed the games; however, it wasn’t long before our relationship took center stage, and the CLI Circle became a an occasional, peripheral treat.   

Randy and I started talking in considerable detail about sex and about other issues that were of concern to us, and we participated in numerous discussions in CLI Circles about relationships.   As a result, many of the usually ignored issues came to the surface rather quickly in our relationship.  

By the time we decided to actually share body fluids, we were each quite well versed about the quirks and eccentricities of the other, and we were also very much in love with each other.   The first time he was actually inside me was a real treat and a special occasion for both of us.”  

And what about today?” I ask. 

Randy and I very discreetly share a local CLI Circle with three other couples.   All of us have ties to music in one way or another so we have strong social bonds, and we share considerable public contact outside of the CLICs.   I and the other women participate in the CLI Circle primarily to keep our men happy and to keep them from sailing into troubled waters.   We regularly bring in women from either of two other local CLI Circles with which we have connections.   So, Jazz, tell me what could Randy possibly gain by running off and screwing one of his students?”

"Not much.” I say.  

Sarah continues, “As you well know, the connecting of physical bodies is not where the real sexual joys come from.   The joy is in what we create within ourselves while making those connections.   As you well know, it's in the heart to heart connection where the real joy begins.  

I’ve already done all that ‘sowing-wild-oats’ kind of stuff, so, for me, CLICs are more social than sexual.   Sexually, what I really love is to have Randy inside of me.   Randy would have to be a complete idiot to jeopardize our relationship and the sexual freedom he already has by secretly making it with another woman.”  

"Yeah, I guess you’re right,” I say. 

"Jazz, it’s more than a guess!   When Randy gets home this afternoon, you’re more than welcome to ask him directly, yourself.”  

"That won’t be necessary,” I reply.  

"Necessary or not, I recommend it.   He’ll probably offer you some valuable insights that may help you in relating to Stoney.”   We agree to talk to Randy providing he’s willing to discuss such an intimate topic with me.   As it turns out, Sarah is right.   Randy is quite willing to talk to me, and he specifically addresses the question of marital fidelity.   

Sarah says to Randy, “This morning Jazz asked me if I thought you were secretly making it with any of your students.   Would you answer that for her, please?”  

Randy laughs and says, “Why would I want to run off somewhere into hiding to be sexual with another woman?   I could bring her home at any time I like and enjoy her right here.   I just couldn’t share body fluids with her without first going through a renegotiation of my commitment to Sarah, and then, as we have previously agreed, before we would have intercourse, this third woman would have to be tested for AIDS and numerous other sexually transmitted diseases, and she’d also have to agree not to share bodily fluids outside our trio.  

"I'm sexually fulfilled with my life just as it is right now.   To bring in another woman just to have a second place to put my dick would be way more work than it’s worth.   Not only that, such an arrangement would also probably bring with it additional emotional involvements, and that’s nothing I want anything to do with.”   

We spend about an hour talking about sex and relationships.   I find that including Randy in our discussion was a very good idea because my self confidence gets a big boost.   By the time our discussion ends, I feel much better about my capacity to talk to Stoney and also have a clearer vision of the positive potential of being in an intimate relationship with him.  

The candor and openness that Sarah and Randy share with me and with each other is a positive role model, but the greatest benefit I find is simply having someone close and loving with whom to share my feelings and someone to draw the answers out of me, because, I keep surprising myself when it comes to specific questions about what to do.   It seems I already have the answers hiding within me.

The following morning, I fly back to San Francisco.   Upon reaching home, one of the first things I do is call Stoney.   I again apologize for running off without calling him.   In the course of the conversation, I invite him over for dinner and an evening together.   Because he’s scheduled to leave in about an hour for a three-day stay in Sedona, Arizona, we schedule our evening together for the following Saturday.   I’m both disappointed that I have to wait another four days before seeing him and relieved that I have the time to figure out how I’m going to respond when I do see him.   

End of Chapter Two ---  Jazbell's Dilemma

 

 

 

 

 

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