yd22     //     Sensual Delights Network   //      Yoni Dance Book Trilogy    //    Book one    //   The Dream Catcher's Dream   

    Chapter  23  //   First Time Memories    //     yd22      yd22         gr         gr   //   29 Apr 2013 

How to enhance your Sensual Delights and bring more pleasure and  joy into your life
through physical touch.    Touch may be    purely sensual,    sexually-sensual,     or    outright orgasmic.       

The Sensual Delights Network
The Yoni Dance
Book Trilogy


The Ultimate "how to" Books About
All those things Your Parents Never Taught You




Book One

The Dream Catcher's Dream

Chapter Twenty One

First Time Memories



Setting the Context


OK.   Let me start by setting the context of my experience.   My boyhood pal, Norman had a cousin named Susan who came to visit Norman’s family each summer.   Norman and his family lived in a very plush and very expensive home.   I first met Susan when I was twelve and she was fifteen.   Because of my association with Norman, I frequently encountered Susan during her summer visits.   Although she was three years older than me, we became very good friends.   Numerous times I asked her out on a date, but she always said that because of our age difference we needed to stay just friends.  

    By the fourth summer when she came to visit, I was madly in love with her.   I realize now that part of her attraction was her unavailability to me.   I could fantasize about her, and, at the same time, relate to her from the safety of knowing that I would never have to do whatever it takes to have an intimate relationship with a real woman.  

    On Wednesday afternoon, three days before my sixteenth birthday, Susan, Norman and I, were playing in Norman’s family pool.   Susan was wearing a white, one-piece tank suit.   I remembered her wearing that same swimsuit the summer before.   Because she had grown taller and her body had filled out some since the previous summer, the suit was both too tight and too short for her.   And it was skintight.   I still remember how her nipples clearly stood out under that thin wet cloth.   The suit also pulled tight up against her crotch, revealing the bulge of her yoni lips and her mount of Venus.  

    At one point, I was sitting beside the pool where the water was about three feet deep.   Norman stood about eight feet behind me talking with Susan who was in the pool in front of me.   Susan came over beside me, placed her hands on the edge of the pool, and, with a little hop, pulled herself up out of the water by bringing her right foot and leg up out of the water and stepping onto the deck beside me.   In making that big step, she spread her legs very wide apart so when she stood up beside me, the already tight, white, wet swimsuit not only defined the bulge of her pussy, it also showed a clearly distinct crease down the middle.  

    Susan, totally into her conversation with Norman, stood there with her sharply defined pussy about two feet from my nose.   I got an almost instant hard-on, which, in my swimsuit, was difficult to hide.  

     After about a minute, the conversation ended, Norman left and Susan became aware of me and my bulging swimsuit.   As she looked at me, she also becomes aware of the condition of her swimsuit and the reason for my erection.   She immediately sat down beside me and said, “Stoney, I’m sorry.   I didn’t mean to be a tease.”  

I was totally flustered and just blurted out,  “Then damn it!   Don’t be.   Let me see you really naked instead of just almost naked.” 

Susan just sat there silently looking at me.   Words continued to pour out of me,   “I’ve been madly in love with you for almost four years now, and, damn it, you don’t even know it.”  

Both of us are shocked by my boldness.   “Stoney, I really didn’t know you felt that way about me.”  

How could you not know?”  

You never told me.”

Not in so many words.   How many times have I asked you out on a date?”  

Numerous times.” 

Doesn’t that tell you anything?  

It certainly does now.   I’m sorry.   I thought because of our age difference, we were just very good friends.”  

I don’t give a damn how old you are.”   My anger and my frustration, combined with my embarrassment over my words and my erection were more than I could handle.   Tears welled up in my eyes, so I got up and ran away.  

That evening Susan called me and offered amends.   She said that on Saturday, which would be my sixteenth birthday, we could have a real official date.   She said we could go anywhere I want to go, do anything I chose to do, and it would be completely her treat for me.   She said,  “Come here, [to Norman’s home] for ten a.m. on Saturday and make no other plans for the rest of the day.”  



My Sixteenth Birthday


When I hung up the phone, I was absolutely ecstatic.   I didn’t care where we went.   I just imagined myself holding her and kissing her.   I immediately start counting the hours.   Thursday and Friday seem to last about a year each.   When Saturday morning finally arrived, I was standing tall on Norman’s front porch ringing the doorbell at exactly ten a.m.

    Nobody answered the door.   I rang again.   I waited.   There was no sign of anyone being home.   My shoulders began to droop as I pushed the bell button a third time.   Then, much to my relief, I heard Susan’s voice from an upstairs window.   “Stoney?”


Go around to the back.   Come in the kitchen door.   I’ll be right down.”   With fast-beating heart, I hopped over the porch railing onto the lawn, skipped to the side of the house, opened the side gate and walked into the yard.   As I closed the gate behind me, I became aware that my fingers were trembling.   I hadn’t even seen her yet, and already I was losing my cool.   I stopped and placed both of my hands on the trunk of a large pine tree that grew beside the house.   I moved my feet back slightly and pushed against the tree while taking several deep breaths.   When I again stood up straight, I felt much calmer.   Just as I walked through the kitchen doorway, Susan was coming down the stairs.

     She was a delight to see.   Her eyes were bright, and she was wearing a smile that definitely said welcome!   I don’t usually remember much about what women wear, but the sight of her on this day was a complete exception.   She had on a knee-length, light blue full skirt with very fine, wavy white lines on it and a white, short-sleeved, button-down-the-front blouse.   Her light brown hair was pulled neatly back into a ponytail.   She had no shoes on her feet.

     The moment I saw her, I stopped.   She didn’t.   She came directly to me and embraced me in an all-encompassing hug.   After only about five seconds, she backed up just enough to look into my eyes.    Her arms were still around me.   “Relax, Stoney.   I am here for you today.   Can I show you how to give and receive a really vibrant, energy-filled hug?”

Oh, Yeah!  Please do.”

OK.   Wrap your arms around me and allow your body to contact mine.   Place one hand on the back of my heart and the other hand just above my waist.   As you hug me, you can, if it feels right, adjust your hand positions slightly, or even move your hands on my back, but do not and I repeat do not lift your hands off my back, and do not pat my back.   As you begin your hug, take in a deep breath and, as you exhale, completely let yourself flow into me.   At the same time, completely take me into yourself and just be there with me.   Then as we hold each other, breathe normally.   Are you ready?”


Then, may I have a hug, please?”

We melted into each other.   For the longest time, we just stood there.    I felt my heart beating — or was it her heart beating?   I couldn’t really tell.   Perhaps our hearts were beating in unison.   Soon I didn’t care whose heart I was feeling because the entire world had gone away and I was just there with her.   After I don’t know how long, she slid her hands up the back of my neck and over the top of my head and released me.   I shivered as her hands moved up my neck.   She giggled and stepped back.

Happy birthday, Stoney.”

Thank you!”

Is there anything special you would like to do?”   I just smiled and said nothing.

She smiled back.   We just looked at each other.   Finally she said. “Would you like some fresh orange juice?”

Sure!  I mean, please.”

Then take the juicer off the shelf over there and plug it in here.   I’ll get the oranges.”

We spent the next few minutes making and drinking orange juice and chitchatting about nothing in particular.   It felt good just being with her.

After a while I remembered to ask,  “When we hugged, why didn’t you want me to lift my hands off your back?”

I’ll answer that with a little story.”

Good!   I like stories.”

Imagine yourself living in a cold winter climate.   Imagine yourself at home, sitting warm and comfortable in front of a sparkling fire in your fireplace.   You look out the window and see icicles hanging from the edge of your roof.   The fresh, powdery snow from a recent snowstorm is being whipped around the yard by the winter’s north wind.   You’re sitting there comfortably, when someone opens the front door for no reason at all.   They close the door and then open and close it again a couple of more times, still for no reason at all.   So tell me what has happened to your cozy living room and how do you feel?”  

The heat dissipates and it’s colder.   I’m less comfortable, and I’m annoyed.”  

Right.   The energies of two bodies wrapped in each other’s arms is similar to the heat in your winter home, only the body energies are far more subtle and much harder to sense.   Patting someone on the back while hugging them is similar to opening the door and letting the warm air out. 

    The essence of a real hug is for two people to share their energies with each other.   Patting someone on the back is an unconscious way to avoid that subtle connection.   Let me give you a fake hug and see if you can sense the difference.”   She hugged me briefly with hardly any body contact and without a deep breath.   She patted me several times on the back and then moved quickly away.  

She asked, “How did that feel?”  

Empty!   Like nothing.” 

That’s a pretty accurate description.   Now let’s share another real hug and feel the difference.”   We hugged in the manner that I previously described and as we released each other, she took my hands in hers.  

She looked intently into my eyes and said, “Now how did that feel?”  

It feels like I want some more!”  

OK,” she said with a laugh and embraced me again, only this time, instead of putting her head beside mine, she kissed me full on the mouth.   In my surprise, I was tense.   She pulled back just enough to speak.  

Let go.   Let your lips and your mouth be completely relaxed.”   I relaxed my mouth. 

Now open your mouth slightly and just copy me.   Do whatever feels good, or do back to me whatever I do to you.”   She began sensually exploring my lips with hers.   I felt her tongue lick my lips and then retreat back into her mouth.   I copied her actions.   She again licked my lips only this time her lips were a little wetter.   Her tongue slipped between my lips and touched my front teeth before it retreated.   I followed suit.  

     Soon we had a game going, and, with our tongues, we did slow, sensuous, mutually exciting dances upon each other’s lips and within each other’s mouths.   As we carried on, I felt my heart pounding faster, and I got more and more excited.   Until that moment, I had not realized why kissing is such a turn-on.   We kept going for about a minute, and then she pulled away far enough to look into my eyes.  

Thank you, Stoney.   That was very nice.   Either you’re a well-rehearsed kisser or a fast learner.”

I must admit I haven’t had much practice, so I must be a good student.   I guess that also makes you a good teacher.   Thank you.   I’m now ready for my next lesson.”  

Perhaps a little later.   Right now, I have a birthday present for you, that is if you’d like your present now.”  

Of course.”  

I’ll need to go up to my room to get it.   You can come up with me, and we can share it there, or we can put on our swim suits, and I’ll give it to you out at the pool.   Which would you like?”  

If you’ll put on your white tank suit, then I choose the pool.”  

Then to the pool we shall go.   I assume you brought your swim trunks.”  

Yup.   I did.”  

Then go change and I’ll meet you at the pool in a few minutes.”   In less that two minutes, I was changed and sitting on the edge of the pool splashing my feet in the water.   About three minutes later Susan came out the back door wearing her sexy, tight, white, swimsuit.   Her ponytail was pinned neatly up onto the top of her head and she was carrying a large red box.   The moment I saw her, my heart began to race.   As she approached, my lingam began to rise so I slipped into the water to hide my otherwise-obvious arousal.   She set the box at the side of the pool.   I was not consciously aware of it, but she set the box very close to where I had been sitting three days before when we had our little emotional encounter.  

She stepped into the shallow end of the pool, walked over to where I was standing, took my hands and gently pulled me toward deeper water.   She said, “I’d like to keep my hair dry, at least for now, so please don’t splash me.”  

We swam around a bit and then she said, “Are you ready for your birthday present?”


Then hop up onto the side of the pool here near the box.”   As I climbed out of the water and turned to sit, I became aware that she had directed me to the exact spot where I had been sitting three days ago.  

Then she said, “Close your eyes and keep them closed until I tell you to open them.”   I did as instructed and heard her climb out of the water near me.   I heard and felt the water dripping off her body.   I next heard the red box being opened and the rustle of I-was-not-sure-what.   I waited with great anticipation.  



Pandora, Open Please


OK.   You can look now.”   I opened my eyes to see Susan standing very close beside me.   She was wearing a large red bow over her right shoulder and down across her left hip.   Her nipples were unusually erect and pushed strongly against the white cloth of her swim suit.   She was holding a nine-inch, square card in front of her so the area where her slender, sexy legs meet her torso was out of my sight.   On the outside, the card said,  “Open, Please.’   I looked at her beautiful smiling face.   I looked at the card.  

Take your birthday card, please.”   I took the card and as I did my eyes focused on her crotch.   The swimsuit was again pulled up very tight against her genitals, and this time the shape and split of her pussy was even more strongly apparent behind the cloth than it had been before.  

I opened the folded card and read its three-word message, “Happy birthday Stoney.”   With a questioning expression on my face, I looked into her eyes.   My gaze moved to her crotch and then back to her face again.   She stood silently looking intently at me with a broad smile on her face.  

    Finally, with a full realization of what my present was, I became speechless with excitement.   My body was suddenly extremely alive.   My fingers and toes tingled in anticipation.   A whole new world of possibilities instantly opened to me.   As the endorphins flooded my brain, my mind magically transformed itself into a state I could call nothing short of ecstasy.   I sat there in a dream-like trance and did not move.  

Well…   Aren’t you going to unwrap your present?”   

I managed to stammer,   “You’re the present?”  

You did ask to see me naked, didn’t you?”  

Well, yeah.”  

So here I am.   Only you’re going to have to unwrap your own present.”  

Here at the pool?”  

We’re in complete privacy here.   Norman and his parents have gone to Jacksonville and won’t be back until late tomorrow evening.”  

In that case, I’d be delighted to accept and unwrap my present.”  

I set the card aside, stood up and proceeded to unveil one of God’s greatest gifts.   She simply stood there smiling as I removed the ribbon, slipped the swim suit straps off her shoulders and proceeded to peel the white cloth down and off her body.   As her breasts and belly came into full clear sight, I said to myself, “I’m unveiling Venus.”   When her pubic area came into view, I stopped and stared for a moment before pulling the suit down onto the poolside tiles.   She stepped out of the wet suit and stood facing me.  

Stoney, I’m your birthday present.   I’m yours today any way you want me.   What’s your desire?”  

Wow!   I…  I…”   I was at a loss for words.

May I offer some suggestions?”  

Of course!   Please.”   To my response she immediately reached for me and, with teasing sensuality, transferred my swim suit to a position on the patio next to hers.   She then led me to the lounge chairs at the end of the pool and sat me down there.  

Wait here,” she said.   I watched intently as she walked back to the red box and brought it to the table beside the lounge chair.  

She took out a bottle of oil and said,  “Put some oil on your hands and play with yourself while I dance for you.   But don’t come, at least not yet.”  

She danced around showing off her body from every angle I could imagine.   Then she pulled a second lounge chair up close to me and proceeded to sit, then lay back spreading her legs for me to see her genitals close up and wide open.  

Would you like to come by yourself while looking at me, or shall I stroke you with my hands.”  

You do it,” I said.   She slid over and stroked me until I experienced an incredibly intense orgasm.   I then laid back looking at her with love and gratitude flowing out of me as powerfully as water flows over Niagara Falls.  

Thank you!” I managed to stammer.  

“’Tis my delight,” she replied.    

Then with a laugh, she said, “Now that we have your urgency out of the way, may I ask a couple of questions?”  

I replied, “Sure.”  

At age sixteen, am I correct in assuming that between now and, say midnight tonight, you’re good for at least a couple more orgasms?  

Definitely correct.   What’s the other question?”  

Will you come up to my room and make slow and passionate love to me so I can come with you inside of me?”  

In spite of being totally blown away, I managed to respond with, “Absolutely yes.”  

I started to get up, but she pulled me back down.   “Stoney, before we continue, there’s one thing I need to make very clear to you.”  

And that is…”  

You need to be aware that you and I cannot have a long-term, love relationship.   I’m going to Austria in a few months to study at the Bearhart Institute.   I have no idea where my life will turn as a result of my choice, so you must promise not to make any long-term plans for your life that include me.   Are you OK with that?”  

I was in too high a state of ecstasy to really look at the implication of her statement, so without much real thought, I simply said, “Agreed.” 

For the remainder of that day and evening, we played and shared our sensuality and our sexuality with each other.   I was all but lost in the ecstasy of the experience.   She introduced me to numerous variations of sensual intimacy from a light touch between our finger tips to the intense sexual interactions between our genitals.   I was amazed at the number of delightful variations we found between those two ends of the sensual spectrum.  

Jazbell spoke for the first time since I started relating my story.   “What a wonderfully delightful way to give up your virginity.”  

I certainly think so.   I came inside her four times and once while we were 69’ing each other.   Susan got totally wild with me, so I didn’t count how many times she came.”  

So you like oral sex.”


Giving or receiving?” 


I’ll file that information away for possible future reference, and, by the way, are you aware that mutual oral sex is no longer called “69?”  

Yeah, but go ahead, tell me anyway.”   

There’s now a new number, 77.   You get 8 more that way.”  

Jazbell!   That’s the first corny joke I’ve ever heard you tell!”  

I thought the little boy in you might like it.”  

He does, but it’s still old and corny.”  

So it is.   OK, back to your story about Susan.” 

The six orgasms I shared with her on that day are the most incredible ecstatic feelings I’ve ever felt in my entire life.   She was an absolute delight.   That day with her is my most cherished memory.”  

Jazz asked, “What happened after that day?”  

She was at Norman’s for another three weeks and then she went back home to Massachusetts.   During those three weeks we had sex 27 more times.”  

That’s a pretty impressive record for only 21 days.”  

Remember, I was madly in love with her, and I was in a raging-hormone, sixteen-year–old body.   Unfortunately, as good as those 21 sessions were, none of them matched the day of my 16th birthday.”  

What happened after she left?   Did you see her again after that?” 

When she left, I was in a blue funk for about two months.   She went to Austria as she had said.   We corresponded a few times.   Two years later, she wrote to tell me she was marrying a fellow student.   Since then, I’ve not had any direct communication with her.   The last I heard about her, by way of Norman, she was living in Virginia with her husband and one child.”  

Your birthday celebration was an incredible manifestation.   You obviously hold that memory powerfully in your being.   Are you aware of the similarities between your experience with Susan and the experience you are about to share with me?”  

Yes, I do see some parallels.   What similarities do you see?”  

Both are first-time experiences.   Both are occurring on your birthday.   Both are with women you hold strong positive feeling for.   Both are intimately sensual and sexual experiences.   Both take place in settings that are unusual to you.   Am I correct in saying that you’d like to share with me some sexual experiences that are similar to those you shared with Susan?”  

Definitely yes.”  



Fantasies and Anchors


Good.   It will be my delight to bring you joy.”  

Even if I’m sometimes fantasizing about another woman?”

If it brings you joy and ecstasy, that’s fine with me.   I will, with great delight, play any role you desire.   No flesh and blood woman can compete with a man’s sexual fantasies, so I no longer even try.   And, rather than condemning your fantasy, I encourage you to share it with me so I can role play part of it for you and with you.”  


Let me tell you why.”   


Do you recall my saying that the reason men want to be with me is that they feel good in my company?”  


Well, if a man is experiencing something close to one of his favorite sexual fantasies and he’s looking at my face at the same time, the sight of my face becomes a very powerful visual connection to me.   That connection will later draw pleasant feelings out of him whenever he looks at me.   He can’t help but feel good simply by being in my company.  

What a novel way of looking at this usually frowned-upon activity.”  

It’s novel only in the sense that most people aren’t aware of how to intentionally use of a basic principle of life.   We create emotional connections to physical experiences all the time.   It’s just that when most of us create an emotional hook to something in our environment, we do it unconsciously.”  

We do?”  

Absolutely!   I’ll give you some examples from your own life.   I’ll say some words or describe an experience and you tell me what feeling responses, if any, you have to my words.  



Wow!   You just hit a home run with the bases loaded.” 

What feeling did her name evoke?”  

Ecstatic joy.”  

And she’s not even here.   All I said was a simple two-syllable word and you jumped immediately toward feelings of ecstatic joy.  

Yeah,  I did.”

Here’s another one.  You’re driving down the street and see a red flashing light in your rear view mirror?” 

UGH!  Grief and misery.”


Very mixed emotions; some joy, some pain.” 

How about George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, The American flag, The Bill of Rights?”  

I feel good.”  

The smell of fresh-baked apple pie.”  

Mmm.   My mouth starts to water.”  


More mouth watering.” 

You see an attractive woman on the beach in a one-piece, white swim suit.”  

Bingo, I’m off again into my fantasy.”  

So you see how we attach feelings to things we see, hear, taste, smell or touch.   Do you remember the now famous experiment of a psychologist name Pavlov?”  

Yeah.   He rang a bell for his hungry dogs when he fed them, and soon they responded to the sound of the bell the same way they responded to food.”  

That’s the classic study on what is today called conditioning and anchoring.   The dogs were conditioned to respond to the sound of the bell.   The bell was an auditory trigger; it acted like an anchor connecting a sound with a specific emotional and physiological response that’s not normally connected to that sound.   If we repeatedly see, hear, smell, taste or touch something while in a state of high emotion, then later experiencing that sight, that sound, taste, touch or smell triggers an equivalent emotion.”  

So are you suggesting that we intentionally use emotional conditioning or anchoring as you call it?”  

Absolutely!   We do it all the time anyway, so why not use it consciously to bring more joy into our lives.   Stoney, have you ever had a romantic relationship that didn’t work out?” 

Of course.   Who hasn’t?”  

Early in that relationship, when you looked at her face, what emotions did you have?”  

Joy.   Feeling good.”  

And later, when things weren’t so good, what emotions were evoked when you looked at her?” 

Pain, suffering.   Let me out of here.” 

What made the change?”  

I don’t really know.”  

Let me give you a hint.   When you were arguing with her, whose face were you looking at?”  


When you were mad and complaining to her about what was wrong, whose face were you looking at?”


When she was telling you how stupid you were, whose face were you looking at?”

I’m beginning to get this.” 

When she was telling you what you did wrong, whose face were you looking at?”

Let me guess, hers.” 

When she was mad at you, whose face were you looking at?”


And so you dumped each other to turn to someone with a new face, a face without all those negative anchors — and then you did the same thing all over again with your new partner.”  

Yeah, I guess I did.  

Well, welcome to being human!”  

So how do I avoid that?”  

Awareness is step one.   Allow others the space to be who they are.   Be less angry.   If you must be angry, go out and yell at a brick wall or at a telephone pole.   Then, when you’re calm, go back to your partner, talk with love in your heart, and express your needs [requirements] and your desires calmly to her.   But then, this is a whole new elephant that we will save for another day.   And besides, there’s Pete’s restaurant just up ahead.



Peter, Paul and Cindy's


We slow down and pull into the parking lot, where I see the sign “Peter, Paul & Cindy’s.”   “A clever name” I think to myself, “and easy to remember, too.”   Next door to the restaurant is an art and gift boutique that, among other things, sells expensive, masterly crafted objects made from driftwood, cuttings from gnarly tree stumps, or other natural wood pieces.   Paul, a clever, creative artist and master of wood chisels and paintbrushes has transformed these natural pieces into images representing a wide variety of things.  

    According to Jazbell, what started out as a lone shack in the woods has turned into a very pleasant rest stop for travelers.   Paul gave up a successful career as an engineer to live close to nature and be an artist.   He was soon joined by Cindy, who now runs the gift shop, and then by Pete, an out-of-work chef, who now runs the restaurant.  

    Again, according to Jazbell, all three now do what they love doing, and the trio has turned a single shack in the woods into a complex of handsome-looking log-cabin-style buildings which house a very profitable business.   Jazbell also points this out to me as another example of creating money by following your heart.  

The moment we walk into the restaurant, Pete spots Jazbell and comes up to greet her.   She receives another queen’s welcome.   They exchange a long hug, and then Pete turns to me and says, “I’m Peter.   And you must be Stoney, the handsome reporter that Jazbell mentioned.”  

He takes my hand, shakes it with gusto, and looks directly into my eyes.   “Welcome!” he says with equal fervor.   “Please, come in and be seated.   Because I must return right now to playing in my kitchen before my cuisine turns into carbon and smoke, Jane will take your order.   But I will be honored to prepare whatever you’d like and even serve it to you myself.”  

As he walks away, he says to one of his waitresses, “Jane, please take very good care of my friends.”  

Apparently, you told him we were coming today.”  

Yup.   I always stop here whenever I’m heading for the cabin.   Pete will prepare anything we desire for our dinner and have it delivered to the cabin at whatever time we choose.” 

He’s obviously enamored of you, but then, why should I be surprised by that?  Is he a CLI Circle player, too?”  

Stoney, you know I can’t answer that question.   What’s going on?   What’re you feeling?”  

I’m quiet for a moment and then say, “Almost everywhere you go, you get the royal treatment.   I guess I’m a bit jealous.”  

She takes my hand in both of hers, looks intently into my eyes and says, “Stoney, you would, too, if only you would allow yourself to receive it.   And, in a lot of places, you already do.   How does Giorgio treat you?   I’ve also seen how you’re treated at the magazine office, particularly by the women there.   That’s pretty royal if you ask me.”  

Yeah, I guess you’re right.”  

You’re just guessing?”  

No.   I know you’re right.”   

Then please sit quietly for a moment and become aware of what else is going on.   What else are you feeling?”  

I find myself again sitting between a rock and a hard place.   Do I tell the truth that I’m jealous of the attention she gets from other men, that I am afraid she’ll step back out of my life, that I am afraid of being alone again,  that, even though I promised her no emotional attachments,  I am deeply in love with her?  

    I can’t tell her the full truth, at least not now, so I take a deep breath and say only, “I’m jealous of the attention you get from other men.”  

Thank you for saying that.   Your feelings are vital and completely valid.   Because they’re an expression of who you’re being at any given moment, it’s important that you both acknowledge them and feel them.”  

But I don’t like feeling this way.”  

I know, but the best way to get through an uncomfortable feeling, such as the fear you just expressed, is to go through it by sitting with it and feeling it as fully as you can.” 

I ask, “Isn’t that dwelling on what I don’t want?”  

She replies, "Not if you just sit with the feeling and don’t get into a head trip about it.   It’s also helpful to share your feelings with someone who is understanding and compassionate.   Soon it will disappear of its own accord, and you can move on.   If you deny your feelings, they will continue to come back and haunt you until you do face them.”  

Are you sure?”  

For myself I am.   But, please, don’t accept or deny my words.   Test them for yourself.”   We both sit quietly for a couple of minutes.   I just allow myself to be with my feeling.   Having expressed at least a portion of my heart to her, and having been listened to so lovingly, I begin to feel better immediately.  

I get up, move to the other side of the table and sit close to her. “Thank you for being here with me.   Thank you for being understanding and compassionate.” 

You are most welcome.   Please remember that how I am with others in no way limits how I am with you.   Love, caring and friendship grow bigger by sharing, not smaller.”  

Yes, I really know that, and the little kid in me still gets jealous!”  



Heaven II


She looks at me with compassion radiating from her eyes.   She starts to speak and then stops.   After a brief pause, she sighs and says, “Stay with your feeling while I go to the rest room, and when I get back, if you’re ready, I’d like to share a special game with you.” 

When she returns, I ask, “Just before you left, you started to speak and then stopped.   What were you thinking about?”  

She is silent for a moment and then says,  “I was thinking about the scared little girl in me that sometimes runs my life.”  

I’d like to hear more about her.”  

Perhaps some other time.”  

Then some other time it is,” I say.   “Let’s order lunch and then play your game.” 

As we look at the menu, Jazbell says to me, “Remember to eat relatively lightly now.   We can have a larger meal later.   Pete will have it delivered to the cabin.”  

Why eat lightly?” I ask.  

Because too much food in your belly will interfere with your ability to focus on the games we’ll be playing.”   We order a light lunch and also our evening meal and then focus on Jazbell’s game.  

She says, “The game is played in two distinct parts.   We’ll play the first part of the game here today, and then some time later, we’ll play the second part.   Are you ready?”  

Most definitely.”  

Then, let me first set the context.”  

Oohhhh… kayyyy,”  I say.

This is a story about how some people believe the world works and what heaven is all about.   I’m also going to invite you to participate in the story, so just go along with me and pretend this is a true story, OK?”  

All right,” I said wondering how this story was going to fit in.  

There are these three angels, and these aren’t just any old angels.   These are three of God’s most joy-filled angels.   They have just visited Earth and arrive back in heaven all excited about how the fast-food businesses are creating franchises and spreading themselves all over the planet.   They share their excitement with God who responds by agreeing, “It is fun to take good things and spread them around.”  

    Then one of the angels says to God, “We would like to franchise heaven and take it to Earth.”  

God smiles and says, “You know I always say ‘yes’ to everything.   Go and do as you will for you are also great creators.   Just remember the rules of creation — that every thought, word, and action is powerful and has consequences.”  

Oh, yeah, we remember.” they say.

Then God says, “Then go, play,  and spread great joy wherever and whenever you will.“  

"So back to Earth come the three angels where they set up the ultimate theme park called “Heaven II.”   Once the park is nearly completed, they start looking around to see how they can get all those crazy humans to visit their theme park.  

    Stoney, here’s where you come in.   One of the angels stumbles onto a magazine article about an interview with the devil that was written by some crazy Spanish guy named Stoney Tonto.   The angel immediately realizes that Tonto means fool in Spanish, and concludes that because this guy labels himself a fool, he’s either smarter or dumber than the average.   He then decides that this Tonto fellow would probably be a good person to open the theme park, so, that very day, a special messenger comes knocking on your door with a personal invitation:  


Dear Mr. Stoney  the  Fool,

You are hereby invited to be the very first
 human being to visit


God’s Ultimate Theme Park and

Playground for Human Beings


Prepare yourself and be ready at 9:00 a.m.
 next Saturday morning.

A special limo-angel-zeene will arrive
 to pick you up.



Jazbell asks, “Would you be ready that next Saturday at 9:00 am?”

Of course,” I say to her.   “This sounds like fun, and by the way, for your information, I’m only one eighth Spanish.”

Yes, I know you’re a mongrel mutt with eight different ancestral heritages, but none of that is relevant here.”

OK, then back to the game.”

Now that I’ve set the scene for you, your job is to make a list of all the words you can think of to describe your feelings as you experience this day in heaven.

What’s the experience?”

Stoney, that’s for you to decide.   You’re in God’s own ultimate, intimate theme park for human beings.   You have been given total and complete freedom to create anything you can possibly imagine.   Whatever brings you your greatest joy, create it, and then, tell me how you’re feeling.”

I don’t want be there alone.   Are you going to share it with me?”

Stoney, let me say this again.   This is your day in heaven.   You create it any way you choose and share it with anyone you choose.   Your absolute every wish will be fulfilled to your complete satisfaction exactly as you choose it to be.   If you choose me or any one else to be there with you, just create it that way.   You can accomplish anything you set out to do.   You can be, have, do, express and experience, anything you choose because, in this theme park, success is absolutely guaranteed.

     Here’s a pencil and a pad of paper.   Please write as many words as you can think of that describe your feelings.”  

I take the pencil and paper and immediately start writing.   I’ve done this type of free-flowing, stream-of-consciousness writing before on numerous occasions, so I just start writing without regard to what comes out and how silly or grammatically incorrect my may be.   Here are the first few lines I write:

To begin with, I’m excited and a little bit scared.   What If I screw it up?   Then I think, what the hell!   If I mess something up, I’ll just change it and do it again differently.   That makes me feel better.   I am in control of what happens while I’m in the park.   I’m feeling good, now.   The fear seems to have turned into excitement.   What shall I create?

I stop writing long enough to look out the window at the large trees across the highway.   I glance at Jazbell and immediately return to writing.

I feel exhilarated, thrilled, excited, happy, joyous, blessed.   I’m filled with love, gratitude, wonder, and anticipation!   If heaven is anything like I’m expecting the next few hours to be like, Wow!   Count me in!  

Jazbell sits watching me.   When I pause again, this time looking intently at her, she says, “Good, you’ve got the idea.   Now keep going.”   She slides close to me, places her hand on my upper back and begins to gently stroke me while I continue to write.   She softly hums a song that is vaguely familiar and yet, at the same time, is entirely new. 

I completely release myself into my fantasy.   Here’s another portion of what I write: 

I’ll let my little-kid curiosity loose!   I’ll ask God, “Who am I?” and since I’m in charge, He, or She, or It will answer me.   I’ll ask, “What’s all this silly, Earth-life stuff for, anyway?”   I’ll even ask why sex feels so good and why avocado pits are so big. 

I’m beginning to feel a sense an intimacy — an intimacy such as I have never before experienced either with myself or with others in my life, particularly those who are sharing this day with me.  

I feel intimate with everything.   I feel the giving and receiving of love with a level of intensity that I’ve never even imagined before.   I am united with everything at a level of unity that has no boundaries between what I call myself and the rest of creation.  

I feel fulfilled, happy, thankful, renewed, energized, blessed, grateful, appreciative.   And very powerful!   And above all, the feelings of love and ecstasy overwhelm everything.  

I stop writing and just look at Jazbell.   Tears are running down my cheeks.   I make no effort to either hide them or control them.   Jazbell watches in silence.  

After about a minute, I slide the pad of paper over in front of her and place the pencil on the paper   “Good job, Stoney,” she says.   “Are you complete?”  

Yes, at least for now.”   I sense, but can’t say for sure, that Jazbell is making considerable effort not to show her feelings.  

She continues, “If more feelings come to mind, please tell me and we’ll add them to this list.   I’ll keep your list in a safe place and when the timing is right, we’ll play the next part of the game.”  

What is the next part?” I ask.   Jazbell just looks at me and I immediately know that was another of my dumb questions.  

I quickly say, “Sorry, I withdraw the question.”

We eat our lunch mostly in silence.   I’m again feeling good.   I pay for both lunch and dinner to which Jazbell adds a $30 tip and instructs the waitress to divide it with Pete.   We briefly look in the gift shop boutique and then continue our journey.  

End of Chapter Twenty Three         First Time Memories





Take me to Book One -- Chapter Twenty Four  

A Cabin Times Ten



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